The concept of individuals who seemingly don't care what others think is often misunderstood. Instead of being cold or indifferent, these individuals have achieved a level of self-trust that most people strive for throughout their lives. This trust is not about detachment but rather a quiet, hard-earned belief in their own judgment. It's an internal compass that guides them, unaffected by external opinions. This phenomenon is akin to the idea of an "internal locus of evaluation" as described by psychologist Carl Rogers, where individuals make decisions based on their own values and beliefs rather than seeking external validation. The author uses the example of a man practicing tai chi in the middle of a busy path, unaffected by the surrounding noise and activity, to illustrate this point. This level of self-assurance is not about being indifferent but rather having a stable sense of self-worth that remains consistent regardless of external circumstances. The author also discusses the idea that people who are universally liked are often not as deep or meaningful as those who have a clear sense of self, even if some people don't like them. This is because having a clear center means that some people will inevitably clash with your boundaries. The author cites research that suggests approval-seeking behavior is often rooted in childhood experiences of not receiving steady, unconditional love. This leads to a constant need for external validation as adults. However, those who have achieved self-trust have already gone through this approval-seeking phase and are now comfortable with themselves, no longer outsourcing their self-worth to others. They practice self-compassion rather than self-importance, treating themselves with kindness and understanding, which leads to greater resilience and honesty about their flaws. This self-trust is not built through affirmations but by consistently showing up for oneself, especially when mistakes are made. The author also mentions the importance of being comfortable with one's own company, a quality described in Buddhism as "viveka," the ability to discern and stay grounded in the world without being swayed by social pressures. Building self-trust is a skill that can be practiced through small decisions, such as making choices without seeking external approval or saying no to plans that don't align with one's values. Ultimately, the key is to identify the person whose approval one is still seeking and understand why their opinion holds more weight than one's own. This self-awareness is crucial in breaking free from the need for external validation and embracing a more authentic and self-assured life.
